Better Days

It has been over a month since my last post! It has been so busy around here lately. I finished radiation on December 3rd. It is so nice to have that time back to myself! I had a big ol' party to celebrate the end of treatment and the official kicking of cancer's butt! We called it the Hat's Off Party. Chris hired a caterer to bring finger foods so that we could enjoy ourselves and we didn't even have to clean up . . . which is good because wine goes straight to my head! Lots of my good friends were able to come and we had a really good time.

I decided to change my blog a little bit. I am moving on from "my journal about breast cancer" to just a journal. I know that I will never fully leave the world of pink ribbons for I am forever a breast cancer survivor and supporter, especially of my support group, Beyond Boobs. I have been trying my best to help out by participating in the calendar signings and going to group meetings, but my life has settled back into it's hectic schedule of school functions, Scout meetings, church activities and the general chasing of kids and management of hearth and home. It's amazing how that happens. I do have a much different perspective on life and what's important and that helps me stay sane.


Alex turned 10 this year. He is so amazing. I can't believe my little bundle of joy has turned into a tween. For boys, I'm not exactly sure what this is going to turn into, but for now it's the idea that he is definitely smarter than his parents, especially his mother and he does NOT want to talk about girls. We figure this means he likes them because if we bring them up he immediately turns beet red and says, "Stop It!". He is truly amazing with legos and has developed a new hobby of stop-action photography. Chris introduced the kids to this over the summer when he took a week off and instead of going on a trip, he designed "Camp Davis" during which we did all kinds of activities together as a family. It was really fun. I didn't participate as much as I wanted to, but it was so fun to watch them get excited to do creative activities and have fun as a family. We even had a NO TV for about 3 weeks. It was neat to see them find ways to entertain themselves besides plopping down in front of the visual tranquilizer (it is good for a babysitter when you need to make dinner though!) Back to Alex, he also likes to read books about spies, history of wars, survival and Harry Potter. He has decided he wants to be a Marine and has been practicing by gathering the neighborhood boys and "training" them most evenings. He has a virtual arsenal of long arm rifles and helmets in the garage and the boys stream in and out getting equipment and running out into the field to spy or have a battle. He is very tenacious, too. He received a Ripstick for his birthday which if you haven't seen one is a very strange looking skateboard that is very hard to ride. He was out in the cul-de-sac every day before school practicing until he figured it out. It took him several days, but never did I hear him cry or complain. He just kept trying. I love that about him!

Rebecca is a little tween wannabe. She has stopped wearing dresses :( except to church. Only jeans and shirts for her! In her dreams, she'd really like to look like Hannah Montana, even though she's never really watched those shows (they annoy me!). She wants sparkly everything. She asked for an ipod for Christmas primarily because she sees teenagers using them. She is our gamer of the family. She loves to play games on the computer, especially Webkinz! and can beat her brother at most Wii games. She is a pro at puzzles and card games. Her favorites are Apples to Apples and Sleeping Queens.

Mary is a hoot. She probably got her fiesty-ness from me. I'm afraid of what this holds for the future (teenage years!). She has grown so much this year. She has been through a lot watching me go through BC and I realize it has affected her more than I knew at the time. She loves school and can't wait to go every day and learn from her awesome teachers, Mrs. Carol and Mrs. Fred. Mary spent the spring and summer being a defiant little fart. She fought me about EVERYTHING! From crying about wearing shoes to buckling into her carseat. She even cried one day when I offered her a cookie. I knew then that it was all just for my sake. She would go from being a little tyrant to loving and hugging and cuddling me into submission. By the beginning of the school year, she suddenly became a sweetheart. Now, she is mostly compliant (she still fights about wearing a coat!) and very thoughtful, loving and tenderhearted. All I have to do is look at her sadly when she says something ugly and she will immediately apologize and run to hug me (or whomever she's wronged). She is constantly making pictures for people and leaving them on their pillows or stuffing them in envelopes and asking me to mail them. For the past several days she has spent hours making elaborate pictures and making me help her wrap them and put bows on them and place them under the tree. She even made one for Santa Claus!!

Chris is awesome. He wouldn't like it if he knew I wrote that about him. He is so humble, but since he doesn't read this, I can write whatever I want! He is awesome! I am so glad I have him for a husband AND best friend. Through whatever I am struggling with, he is there with just the right words or even no words if that is what I need.

My next challenge will be to get back in shape!!! I gained quite a bit of weight and body fat over the last few months due to steroids, lack of exercise and chemo-induced menopause. Not to mention eating like a pig! I know I need to get healthy and fit again. I feel like an old lady! I am starting a new diet and workout plan called Body For Life. I am even going to take a before pictures which will probably scare me straight! It should help me eat better since my biggest problem is laziness. I either don't eat or eat whatever happens to be lying around like the kids' leftover PB and J. It's sad. I WILL do better though.

Hooray for BEDHEAD!

It's been too long since my last post, I know. I have been so busy! Last time I posted, I had just started radiation. Now, I am almost done. I have 36 total treatments to receive and have received 29 so far. I should be done the Monday after Thanksgiving. My main side effects are fatigue and skin irritation. Actually, it's more than irritation, it's a burn. I have a mild sunburn to most of my breast and part of my underarm area and a small area that is pretty severe. It is raw and I can't wear a bra of any kind because the straps rub it. Good thing it's sweater weather so nobody can tell my going around town without a bra!

The hair is growing back! I have actually had several compliments on it. I'm just glad to have it! I was definately awkward growing back in, but now it almost looks like a hairstyle. I have actually been excited this week to wake up with BEDHEAD! Now, that's sad. I also had to pluck my eyebrows the other day and was able to curl and apply mascara to my new eyelashes. Yea!!!

A Pink Carpet Affair

Wednesday night was the long awaited premiere of my support group's calendar. Beyond Boobs! has been my lifeline through all of this mess and I am so blessed to have been connected with them. As a fund raiser and a way of educating women, we put out a calendar with pictures and stories of survivors and tons of information on breast health. It is really a great calendar! I was so happy to have my family and friends with me that night. Chris was there looking HOT in his suit and pink tie! Katie and Rob were there (he was in a pink tie, too!). They both looked HOT, too! My mom and her friend, Karlene, drove up from Alabama to attend. My friend and neighbor, Sarah, and her aunt, also a survivor were there. The ride in the Humvee limo was great fun! It was pretty surreal being there and celebrating such a great thing. I even got to sign autographs!



Here is a link to the calendar: www.beyondboobsinc.org/calendar.htm


You can't see the whole thing, but you can see the cover and a few other images. You can purchase these online if you choose or let me know and I can get an autographed copy for you. This is a great gift, especially to young women or anyone touched by breast cancer. As I said, it is also a fundraiser for our group. It's also beautiful!

As for me, I am going great. Radiation is tedious, as predicted. Basically, I drive 20 minutes to my appointment, check in, change into a gown and wait. I usually wait anywhere from 10 to 50 minutes! Then the radiation itself takes about 2 minutes. It is basically a glorified x-ray. I haven't had any side effects yet except a few mild, intermittent shooting pains. They said to expect some skin irritation and possibly fatigue as the treatment progresses. Mary has gone with me to my appointment and the whole staff looks forward to her visit. They keep her entertained during my treatment and "eat her up"! She likes to prance around in there like she works there.

My hair is finally growing in nicely. The top is still a little patchy looking, but is filling in. It is red! I actually had a man tell me he liked the "style" and to keep it this way forever. I think not. My eyelashes are growing in, too! They are VERY short, like a day or two of leg stubble, but there. I can't wait for them to get long enough for mascara. You don't realize how much you need eyebrows and eyelashes until they are gone. I will say that I have become pretty good at disguising my lack of eyebrows and eyelashes with liners.

Radiation

Well, it's been 3 weeks since my surgery and 7 weeks since my last chemo, but who's counting? I am feeling great and have started trying to get back in shape after gaining weight (yes, that happens on chemo!) and losing all of my hard earned muscle. I have noticed that on the days I workout (and some days that I don't) I often fall straight to sleep on the couch after the kids are in bed. Could be the fact that Chris has the remote and makes me watch The Colbert Report. Anyway, I am feeling really good.

Yesterday, I met with the Radiation Oncologist. He was very nice and informative. I will start next week. They did a scan of my breast and chest to map out how and where the "therapy" will be done. It should be great fun. Mostly, I guess it will be tedious as I have to go 5 days a week. But it only takes 10-15 minutes! The side effects include fatigue and skin irritation. I am not looking forward to either one of those, but it has to be better than chemo. I have black magic marker all over my chest now so they can position me properly.

The Beyond Boobs! Calendar premiere is October 15th. I am excited. It should be a really fun night. I get to go in a pink stretch Hummer. Did I say that already? Well, anyway if anyone wants to go, let me know :) Also, if you want a calendar, let me know.

So, I signed up to walk in the Avon 2-day walk for Breast Cancer in Washington DC next May. I am very excited (and scared to death). Two of my friends are also on my team and are big time enthusiastic about fund raising. We are having a gigantic yard sale tomorrow to raise money. Please wish us luck! BTW, the other team member is MY MAMA! Isn't she gutsy?! I haven't started "training" yet, but have started working out regularly.

Things you never thought you'd hear a woman say . . . .

"Oh, crap! I have hair!"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after 5 months of no hair, IT IS GROWING BACK! But, much to my dismay, my lovely shade of red seems to have been replaced with some creepy combination of brownish, whitish weirdness. Not only that, but it is a scary looking crew cut. The sides are longer than the top and the top is sticking straight up and fairly sparse. Believe it or not, it is actually harder for me to look at than total baldness. I have taken to wearing a hat or scarf because I don't like how it looks. I know that I need to tough out this initial growing period, but it is funny lookin'. Last night I went to a church meeting and one lady exclaimed, "HEY, WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT SCARF ON YOUR HEAD?!!!" I thought she really needed me to nicely explain my situation, but turns out that she prefers to see my bald head and that she and her family think I'm the coolest bald lady in church! (They also think my kids are cute and sweet . . . I think my shiny head may have been distracting her!)

"Scars are tattoos with better stories"

As all mothers know, saggy boobs and stretch marks are definately the signs of motherhood. Yes, they are hard to look at, but for a wonderful cause. Now, I have a 4 inch scar on my right boob, a 2 inch scar under my right arm and a 1 inch scar near my left shoulder. And, I have it better than most! I have it better than many of my friends. It was a very easy surgery. I have very little discomfort and was just so happy to be past that next step. My in-laws had a heck of a time keeping me from running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I am just so happy to be done with the worst of it. P.S. I am thinking about getting a tattoo :) I don't know if I'm brave enough!

"I don't want to go to the tanning bed!!!"

Radiation . . . as far as I can tell it is a doctor controlled body burn. Not only that, but you have to report for this wonderful treatment EVERY DAY FOR 5-6 WEEKS!!! It only takes about 30 minutes (aside for the waiting in the lobby) and causes skin irritation and fatigue. I'm sure my fair skin will love this treatment. The fatigue is supposedly cummulative, but not anything like chemo. I guess it is good that I had chemo first so I can keep it all in perspective. I am scheduled to begin radiation sometime in October so hopefully I will be totally done by Thanksgiving! I will definatley be thankful!

"Yes, please sign me up to walk 39 miles."

A couple of my girlfriends approached me and told me that they wanted to do the Avon 2-day walk for breast cancer in May. I had been thinking about this myself and planning to make the committment to it, but hadn't had the guts to do it. They were very gung-ho about the whole idea and wanted to do it in my honor and start raising money right away. I was so touched. BUT, I am not going to sit and watch. I am going, too! It is May 2-3 in Washington DC. I am very excited!

Getting Back to Normal

It's been over 3 weeks since my last chemo session (and post . . . yikes!). I am starting to feel almost normal. I am trying to get back into shape as I slacked on the exercise routine for the last 4 months. I also ate lots of not-so-good-for-you (but comforting!) foods that assisted me in gaining 15 pounds! I have set myself some goals and am trying to get back into my routine. With the kids starting school this week, I think it will be easier.

My surgery is scheduled for next Friday, the 12th. I will be having a lumpectomy so I am anticipating a fairly easy recovery. Chris's parents will be coming to help out. I am looking forward to getting that next step behind me.

Some exciting news: I was in the newspaper this week. For what? Being bald. No, not exactly, but kind of. They wanted to do a story on breast cancer survivors in their Healthy Living insert and were looking for someone to pose bald. Of course, I agreed. They featured several of my friends and loads of information on Beyond Boobs and other breast cancer support groups. Wanna see it? Here is a link to it:

http://www.dailypress.com/features/custom/healthyliving/dp-hl-breastcancer-main-sept08,0,6791946.story

The kids started school this week. Alex is in fourth grade this year. I can hardly believe it. Rebecca started second grade. She loves school and is going to be a great student. Mary is going to preschool 4 days a week this year. She loves it and is ready for it. She already knows how to write her name and most the ABCs. She is so excited to learn and be with her friends.

The next big deal is the Calendar Premiere. It will be October 15th in Williamsburg. As some of you may know, this is a big fundraiser for my support group, Beyond Boobs. Also, I will be one of the calendar girls in it! It will be a fun Pink Carpet affair and I even get to ride there in a pink Hummer stretch limo! I've never, ever been in a limo before. It should be a fun night. Wanna join us? You can buy tickets here:

http://www.beyondboobsinc.org/purchase_tickets.htm

Chemo is Done!!!!

Last Tuesday was my last chemo! It's been a long week, but knowing this is the last time around makes me want to jump up and down even if I don't feel like it right now. When I got home on Tuesday, the kids and my other parents (in-laws) had decorated the whole house with streamers and balloons and flowers and sang "Happy Last Chemo Day to You!" It was too cute! Although I still have the surgery and radiation to go through, I am walking on sunshine right now. I am so happy to be done with the chemicals and the instant I was done I thought, "Oh, good. Now, I can get back to being myself again". I am setting myself some goals and making plans to reach them. I have talked to so many cancer survivors who say that this whole experience really changes who they are and their perspectives on life. Although no one would ever want to go through it, they say it can actually be a blessing. I was not convinced. I am usually too cynical to think that I could actually be changed profoundly just by being sick. Well, I do admit that I have changed a little.

I don't sweat the small stuff as much anymore. I have really noticed that I don't care so much about getting the best deal on something or saving a dime or worrying about spending too much on a gift, I just think, "What the hell, it's only money. You can't take it with you." I also don't worry so much about the things I cannot do or change, like all of those functions you should attend or chores you should get done but don't. You can only do what you can do. Running yourself ragged trying to keep up with everyone else's agenda will only make you into a crazy person. All you can do is all you can do.

I think I am better with the kids. Chris said he has noticed that I spend more quality time playing and listening to them. We have even turned the TV off for the past 2 weeks! It has been nice to sit and LISTEN to the kids and PLAY games with them and just WATCH them. I am more likely to stop what I'm doing to play a game or watch them perform some death-defying stunt or even involve them in my projects. Watching them play and listening to their little conversations is so entertaining and I am sad to think that I was probably missing out on a lot of that before because I was worried about my to-do lists! I hope I don't fall back into that routine when school starts!

My kids have changed, too. They are all very thoughtful of me and make sure to tell me that even though I'm bald, they still love me (Mary says that! I guess she doesn't realize that being bald doesn't bother me as much as she thinks it does!). The big kids have really been funny about their perspectives. One day I was fussing about my eyes watering, a side effect of chemo, and Rebecca said, "Well, mom. At least you're not blind!". I said, "Good point. Thanks for putting it in perspective!" They have become so understanding about not getting to do everything they want to do. If I can't read Harry Potter to Alex one night because my mouth hurts, he says, "Oh, that's OK, Mama. I understand. I'll read to you tonight." If we can't go to the pool because I have a rash or am feeling sick, they say, "Oh, that's OK. Can we go in the sprinklers?" They can ADAPT AND OVERCOME. They are realizing they are not the center of the universe and are much more likely to think of others! What a great lesson for them to learn!

Chris and I haven't changed much. We are still crazy about each other! He is my knight-in-shining armor and I know that he will love me through anything now that I've seen him love me through this (swollen face, no hair, bad moods, wimp-bag!). I know that I may never be able to show him my love in the same ways he's shown me through this, but I am going to spend the rest of my life showing him how much I adore him. I know. . . as my kids say, "Yuck! Barf me out!"

We are having fun planning for all of our fall activities. It is great to look forward to school and parties and trips and Thanksgiving and Christmas without the fog of chemo to hang over it all. I still have surgery and radiation to contend with but I know they will be a pebble in the road compared to chemo.

The Pink Carpet Premeire of our "A Calendar to Live By" will be on October 2nd. I am looking forward to it and hope I have a little bit of hair by then. It may not be enough to show up. Maybe I'll dye it pink for the night :)

Beyond Boobs Calendar Sponsorship

To my awesome family and friends,

I know times are tough, but I wanted to let you know about an opportunity to support a great club that nobody wants to join. It's a club that welcomed me even though I didn't want to need them. Beyond Boobs! Inc. is a support group for young women with breast cancer. It's sad to say that our "club" is growing and we support many young women through their diagnosis, treatment and recovery. Our non-profit organization is dedicated to saving lives by increasing breast health awareness in women of all ages and nurturing young women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I can't tell you what a blessing it has been to have a supportive group of ladies my age to help me through this process.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I will be featured in "A Calendar to Live By", a very special project to save lives by increasing breast health awareness in all women. If you would like to help by sponsoring this educational, artistic, and uplifting calendar of young breast cancer survivors, please follow this link:

http://www.beyondboobsinc.org/sponsorship_opportunities.htm

There are many levels of sponsorship available. If you would like to see last year's calendar, please follow this link: http://www.beyondboobsinc.org/calendar.htm

If you would like to BUY-A-DAY in honor or memory of a loved one, the cost is $50. Your loved one's name will be printed on the chosen day (first come, first served). Please follow this link for more details: http://www.beyondboobsinc.org/buyaday.htm

THE DEADLINE FOR THESE OPPORTUNITIES IS FAST APPROACHING. PLEASE ACT SOON IF YOU'D LIKE TO PARTICIPATE. (I should have put this out sooner, but alas, I did not. )

Almost done with Chemo!

I know it's been too long since my last post. Sometimes, I'm just not sure what to say. I have finished 7/8 treatments and am doing pretty well. My last treatment is August 12th! I can't wait for chemotherapy to be done. I will feel like it's all down hill from there. The steroids and chemotherapy cause all kinds of interesting side effects as I mentioned in the last entry and I will be so glad to get them out of my system. I am scheduled for surgery on September 12th. Since the tumors have shrunk so much with the chemotherapy, my surgeon is recommending a lumpectomy with radiation. Although I am not looking forward to the radiation, I know it is necessary. The surgery should be easy and I will get 4 weeks of break before the radiation starts. The radiation therapy takes place Monday through Friday for 5-6 weeks! That'll be challenging.

The summer has been going good. We have had lots of help from family and friends for each round of chemo. Our friends have been making sure that we are always fed with meals during to week of chemo. They are always dee-licious! I also got my freezer stocked by my Fiendette sisters from our assignment in Korea. They organized a meal program long distance. I have some awesome friends! The kids are doing well with vacation bible school, Girl Scout camp, Civil War Camp, trips to Grannie's, and various other outings and activities. I am also keeping them up-to-date on their school work as much as possible with worksheets and computer math and letter writing. My mother's helper, our teenage neighbor, has been a great help this summer. She plays with the kids, makes lunch, does the dishes, picks up toys, etc., while I am able to exercise or go to the doctor or just rest if I need to.

I have had some interesting Bald Lady experiences since my last post. First of all, I posed for the Beyond Boobs calendar. I will be the only bald lady in it so I hope I look good. It will be released on October 2nd and I can't wait to see it. Next, I am being interviewed and featured on the cover of the Daily Press (Hampton Roads newspaper) September-October Healthy Living Insert. They will be interviewing several of my Beyond Boobs friends and me for a Breast Cancer awareness article. I am on the cover because they wanted someone that was willing to pose bald. Yes, baldness is my look of choice these days. I get a lot of strange looks and attention, but I also get lots of support and encouragement. The reason I have chosen to leave the wigs and scarves at home is because I just feel the most comfortable this way. Not just physically more comfortable (cooler, less itchy), but also mentally more comfortable. I just never feel like myself in my wigs and scarves and hats. I do wear a hat if I'm going to be out in the sun (I sure don't need freckles on my head). I have to admit that it's getting harder to go bald now that my eyelashes are thinnning and my face is often swollen. I don't look like myself at all. I have been a little down about that. But, this too shall pass. I have lots of cool earrings and have been experimenting with my makeup, too. Hopefully, my photo shoot on Tuesday will be flattering. I hope it will inspire other women who are losing their hair. Not that they should go bald, but that being bald is only as terrible as you let it be. And it's only hair! I am constantly amazed by the people that come up and say, "You go girl!". I have one little lady who just loves my "hair-do" and says I look ETHNIC :) She always compliments my earrings! The other day I was at the bookstore checking out when a nice, older bald man approached me and asked to have his picture taken with me. He said he just thought I was so cool and wanted to put the picture on his website. He owns his own business and gives 10% of his proceeds to charity. Maybe I can coax him to donate it to Beyond Boobs! Today, I was at the grocery store when this little old lady came up and told me she liked my hair-do and wanted to know why I did it. She said that she had lost a lot of hair due to blood thinners and was wearing a wig. She said she had seriously considered going to get her hair shaved really short that morning because she was so hot and itchy, but she wasn't sure she should do it. Then, she saw me and said that my boldness inspired her and she thinks it's all about what's on your face and if you smile and look nice it doesn't matter what your hair looks like. Wow. Just when I'm feeling crappy about myself I get a boost like that. God works in mysterious ways.

Put your big girl panties on and deal with it!

HICCUP! HICCUP! HICCUP!

Who knew that really strong hiccups could be so annoying and distressing? Every time I eat or drink, I get terrible hiccups that are so strong they almost make me ill. Sometimes I get them at night too and actually wake up Chris. The kids think they're funny!!!

MOON FACE

So I'm on this extremely high dose steroid regimine to help with reactions to the chemo. It is 4-5 times more potent than Prednisone and I take mega-doses of it. It gives me lots of interesting side effects, but the weirdest one is "moon face". I kept noticing that my cheeks look fat. Chris said it wasn't THAT noticeable, but did look like I was keeping food in my cheeks. That in addition to a red face and neck, make me look like a harvest moon :)

ADHD

OK, I love mulit-tasking. I pride myself on being able to do lots of things at once where as my husband can't even talk on the phone unless he's sitting down in a quiet room. I have lists of all of the projects and plans that fill my brain on a daily basis so I can get them organized (and maybe accomplished). BUT, chemobrain is a real phenomenon that has just kicked into high gear. With the steroids and the chemo, I am really losing it! Sometimes, when I'm feeling slightly energetic I will start a task like unloading the dishwasher. I'll get about half of the top rack done and think, "Oh, I need to write some appointments on the calendar before I forget". So I'll dart over and start filling in all kinds of things that I need to remember. Then I'll notice that we need to take out the recycling so I'll haul it into the garage. Then I'll notice that we need more water and will go sit at the computer to order some water to be delivered. While I'm at it I'll check my e-mail and get distracted with that. Then, I'll eventually wander back to the kitchen to see that the dishwasher is still standing open waiting to be finished!!! Ahhh! Now, I'm too tired to do it!

I'M NOT CRYING!

I've become one of those little old ladies who carries a wadded up tissue in her hand. My eyes are constantly watering to the point of making them blurry. I have to dab them or they actually start streaming down my face! I believe it's actually because they are dry and my eyes are trying to compensate by over-producing tears.

I'M FEELING HOT, HOT, HOT!

And not in a good way! Hot flashes suck! There you are just sitting there comfortably watching a movie on the sofa or trying to go to sleep when all of a sudden you get extremely hot and start sweating profusely! Yes, even your bald head is glistening with sweat. You reach for the nearest piece of paper ot frantically fan yourself thinking you can beat the flash before you actually start dripping, but alas, no. Now, my poor children have become the fan patrol as they are constantly asked to get up and turn the fan on or off depending on whether I'm having a hot flash or not. They actually don't seem to mind and in fact, laugh at me every time I ask them to do it.

MAKE-UP TIPS FROM RAGGEDY ANN

Yes, I'm finally starting to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows. It really is more distressing than losing your hair because although you can color in your eyebrows to some degree, you can't do anything about those dang eyelashes. You can use lots of extra eyeliner to make you look like you actually have eyes in your swollen face, but you still just don't look quite right. I've thought about drawing luscious looking eyelashes like my childhood Raggedy Ann, but I figure that would be super scary! Fake eyelashes aren't recommended due to the risk of the adhesives causes skin problems. Oh, well. For now, I still have a few. I haven't been able to wear mascara on them due to the aforementioned crying/tearing, so people will just have to get used to it (including me!).

LAYING IN BED EATING BON BONS (OR ANTACIDS!)

Ok, well, I have been pretty tired after coming off of the high dose steroids and not being able to sleep all week. On about the 3rd or 4th day after treatment, I get very tired and have a very low tolerance for activity. Even getting up to go to the bathroom or go get a drink makes my heart race and my head swim. It's especially difficult to be unable to play with the kids or make dinner (well, that's not that difficult :), but instead lay on the sofa and let someone else do those things. Things I thought I didn't care about doing (laundry, dishes, wiping butts), suddenly have become important to me (even though I still don't really want to do them). I feel like if I could make myself do those things then I wouldn't be that sick. Chris is totally awesome about everything and waits on me hand and foot. He's my knight in shining armor!


More updates to come soon with pictures!

I'm over half-way done with Chemo! My 5th of 8 sessions was on June 10th. It was a new medication called Taxotere. Although for many it is much easier to tolerate that Adriamycin ("the red devil"), for me it has been harder. I did not feel well this week. It started a few days after the infusion with body aches and shooting pains. THEN, I got a rash on my neck, chest, eyes, mouth and hands! YUK! Talk about looking scary. To top it off, I've got an infection in my mouth that makes it very hard to eat. BUT, I am starting to get better. The body aches are almost gone, the rash is getting better (lots of prednisone!) and the mouth is getting better slowly. I'm trying to be tough. It's hard sometimes. I couldn't do it without Chris. He is the most awesome support I could ever ask for. He has been my rock through every minute of this crazy thing. He's encouraged me through the baldness, doted on me when I'm puny, and even kisses me when I have a rash!

Guess what I did this weekend! I was a model in a photo shoot for a calendar. The Beyond Boobs Support group calendar for 2009. Yes, I'm going to be a calendar girl. Don't get your hopes up though, I'm not a supermodel. I did pose BALD though. I can't disclose any further details (since the whole thing is hush-hush), but I think it will be pretty cool. My hope is that it will inspire others embarking on this journey. The purpose of the calendar is to promote breast health, so remember to check yourselves monthly!!! I'll keep you all posted with the release date.

Chris and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this year (June 11th)! We were able to dump the kids off at the grandparents and escape to Washington D.C. for a short weekend trip. We had a luxurious 2 nights with shows and eating out and sleeping in and watching movies in the room. Ironically, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure was that Saturday and as we made our way downtown to visit the monuments we saw thousands of supporters in a wave of pink flowing in and out of everywhere. I decided to go around bald (as usual) with my Beyond Boobs t-shirt. I got lots of smiles.

The summer is going good so far. I think the kids are already bored though! I hope I can make it through 3 months without pulling my hair out :) I am trying to keep them on a routine that does not involve hours of endless Spongebob Squarepants. I have employed a young lady down the street to be a Mother's Helper. She is coming over in the mornings and some afternoons to help me with the kids. Today was her first day and it really was a nice help. She kept the kids entertained, made their lunch, helped clean up and was just a nice companion. I was able to exercise, catch up on chores, make phone calls uninterrupted and even rest a little. I sat outside and watched the kids play in the slip n' slide, I gave Alex a haircut . . . Hey, I was busy today.

I think I'll go now. Chris just brought me a bowl of Peach Cobbler (thank you, Kari!!!) with ice cream. Thank you for checking in on me. I'll add a picture soon.

Bald is Freaky Lookin'!

I finished my third treatment. It was a little tougher than the last 2, but tolerable. The fatigue is supposedly cumulative. I have found that I am really tired and puny the first 5 or 6 days and then start feeling human again. It is so incredibly hard to talk myself into going back in to volunteer for the next dose of sickness. I know I need to remember that it's killing the bad stuff, but it's hard when just the sights and smells of the place make you sick. The tumors have definately shrunk so it's working! I have 5 more treatments to go. On Tuesday, I have my last dose of Adriamycin and Cytoxin which is supposed to be the harshest. Then I start another regimine for 4 more doses every 3 weeks. I should be done in the middle of August.
OK, so here is a great picture of my sister, Meredith, and me at the Williamsburg Relay for Life. We are wearing our Beyond Boobs t-shirts. Aren't they cute?! I have gone out in public a few times bald. Aside from the glare of my white head blinding innocent people, I have actually had some positive comments and smiles. I am really struggling with what to wear on my head since my wigs aren't really "me", plus they're itchy and the scarves are hot and I don't really like them. I feel most comfortable bald. I just have to get the "I don't care what people think" attitude, I guess.

Any Day With Hair is a Good Hair Day!

It's been too long since my last posting, I know. Apparently, more people check my blog for updates than I realized. If I neglect the blog in the future, please don't worry. I'm probably just being a slacker, not being sick! For the most part, things around here are much the same as always . . . chasing kids, doing chores, helping with homework, etc, etc, etc. Please don't be afraid to call and talk to us at any time. We are doing just fine and there is no need to worry about disturbing us. If we can't get to the phone, we will try to call back as soon as we can. You can also e-mail us at skookumom@hotmail.com.

My second chemo was last Tuesday. Again, it wasn't too bad. I felt pretty good that day, just a little tired. The feeling queasy and fatigued really hits the second or third day and lasts about 5 or 6 days. Luckily, I haven't had terrible nausea or vomiting. I am developing some GI irritation that causes pain with spicy foods or carbonated beverages or even extremely hot or cold drinks. So, I just have to steer clear of those items. Dang it! No more Diet Coke or salsa! Aside from that, the WORST THING IS BEING BALD! I know it means the medication is working and it's just hair, but it's still hard to look at myself in the mirror and see such a weird looking head! My hair started falling out about a week ago. After about 3 days of it, I couldn't handle it anymore. It was annoying and demoralizing, so . . . . we shaved it! Chris took the clippers to it on the backporch (but only after I shaved his first!). The kids were quite interested at first. They really like the initial mohawk. Eventually, they wandered off and played. It was quite a shock see. And what a weird feeling! I have a collection of wigs now, some borrowed and some bought. I've only worn a wig twice. Itchy!!! Scarves are more comfortable and I wear them at home. But sometimes, I just go bald in the house. The kids haven't screamed in horror yet, so I guess they're ok with it. Sometimes it just gets too hot and itchy and I can't stand it anymore. I just have to remember not to rip off my wig while I'm driving. I'm sure if someone saw that it would cause more trouble than texting while driving :)

I still have lots of support from family and friends. The meals are rolling in every other day from our wonderful friends. My mom just left after 3 weeks of laundry and dishes and general caretaking of the Davis clan. My other mom and dad (Chris's parents) are here for a few days to fill in and get some cuddling of the grandkids done. My sister arrives Saturday for a week. I know we will have a good visit. We are playing it by ear after that.

Thanks to everyone for all of your support and concern. What a blessing you all are!

Comfort Foods

Holy Cow! It is really hard to express the way I feel about all of the support I have received throughout this whole thing. First, my family rallied to my side with offers to come take care of me (and my family) through the chemo process. They are all chomping at the bit to come be with me and show their love. Even my baby sister, who at age 20 probably has much more fun and interesting things to do with her summer, immediately booked a reservation to come take care of us! My in-laws are dying to come down here, too! My mom has been here for almost 2 weeks and it has been fun to visit with her. My family ROCKS! But, being a military wife, sometimes I felt like I didn't have the friends I could have if I were nailed down somewhere. Not true! Friends and supporters are coming out of the woodwork to help us. One of my friends has been organizing meals (complete with spreadsheets and call rosters!). She has had such a response that we are booked for meals until the end of May! I have NEVER eaten so well. Really! I'm afraid I'm going to get fat on chemo. I have been eating very well and having lasagna and homemade cakes and cookies laying around makes it much easier! I would never usually eat nearly this much! What has been such a true blessing is to see how awesome people really are. I have received notes from ladies at church, a free glamorous haircut from my hairdresser, flowers on my doorstep, gifts to encourage me, meals!, e-mails, cards, and an awesome hat party! I don't think I'll ever want to leave these friends! I might make Chris stay here forever!

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Emerson

Well, I know everyone is dying to know how it was. CHEMOTHERAPY started yesterday. Aside from being scared out of my mind, it was actually OK. I'm sure the Xanax helped a little. The nurse was wonderful. She was very calm and reassuring and matter-of-fact about everything she did and every question I asked. When I got there, they just told me to pick a chair and get comfortable. It was a giant room with 3 sections of recliners lined up against the walls. There were about 10 recliners in my section with IV poles and a stiff side chair for a friend (or awesome, wonderful spouse). I chose one by the huge window that looked out onto the sidewalk and cars going by on their way somewhere important. They first drew my blood from the port, which was just a little pinch and way better than getting an IV. After they made sure I was good-to-go, they gave me steroids and anti-nausea medication through the IV. Then came the "jet fuel". The adriamycin is the hardcore stuff and is bright, flaming red. It even makes your pee red! It takes only about 15 minutes to go in. I did NOT want to watch it go in as I was afraid I would imagine all sorts of side effects that I didn't really have. So, Chris and I hooked up our portable DVD player and he conceded to watching a chick flick, but only because I'm going through chemotherapy! It was 50 First Dates. We didn't get finished with it, but it was really cute. Maybe we'll finish it today. The second medication, Cytoxan, took an hour. We were there for a total of 3 hours. Not too bad. They had a little snack trolley with sandwiches and soda and chips run by a volunteer. All-in-all it wasn't as terrible as I had anticipated.

After we were done, I felt remarkably well. We went our for ice cream and then to walk around the mall. I didn't last too long before I did want to come home and lay down for a while. A little nausea hit me later that night, but nothing terrible. This morning (Day 2), I feel mostly fine except a little upset stomach. Rebecca brought me breakfast in bed (Raisin Bran Crunch cereal), too cute! So far, I haven't experienced or imagined any weird symptoms. I'm proud of myself for the latter. I have to go in today and get a shot to boost my white blood cell count. I also have an appointment for a second opinion with a different doctor. This was highly recommended, even though I REALLY like my doctor. Maybe, if nothing else, it will give me peace of mind.

THE HATS!

I have never been much of a hat person. But I have a lovely collection now! My friend, Katie, threw me a hat party last weekend. She invited everyone I knew! My college roommate, Heather, showed up! A new friend from my Beyond Boobs support group showed up! My awesome neighbors and old Air Force friends came in force. It was really great to have so many of my friends show their love for me! It was a great party with lots of yummy treats and wine. Katie thought of everything. She even made me wear a red feather boa! I have some GREAT friends!

I also visited "The Hat Trader". A lady in Williamsburg who survived breast cancer 11 years ago and for the past 9 years has been running a service in her home where she loans wigs and hats for the course of you treatment. She made an appointment with me and I showed up at her beautiful home with my mom and she led us to this gorgeous room with a vanity table and began to show us some wigs she had picked out for me. I ended up finding 3 wigs that I liked! Then, she had me look at her hats and pick out a few. I look better in hats that I imagined! It was very uplifting to go in there and find that I will look OK without hair and that it doesn't have to be a terrible, awful thing. The main thing I hate to lose is eyebrows and eyelashes. You can't hide that very well!

My mom is here taking care of us. She drove up from Alabama! All of my friends have again joined forces and are going to be bringing meals over every other night! What an awesome blessing!

Last week, we went to Friday morning mass (the kids were not happy about that). It was a whole different atmosphere that Sunday. There were only about 30 or 40 people and it was very interactive and friendly. Fr. Mike did the Annointing of the Sick on me and 3 others. It was very touching. As many little old ladies as possible muscled their way to us to lay their hands on us and pray for us. I DID feel better. I would like to make it a regular thing, but it is not a good time of day since I would have to take the holy terror (Mary) with me.

Sorry to ramble. It's been a while and a lot has happened. I hope you're not asleep already!

Is it positive or negative? Well, sort of . . .

The results for the lymph node testing came back this week. It seems that my cancer wants to be confusing. Although it is definately infiltrating carcinoma, it is slow-growing and hormone responsive which is good. Although it is slow-growing, I am young, which in this case is bad (more chance of recurrence). So . . . confusing! Do we freak out or not? Now, the lymph node results are positive, but only a little positive. Huh? Well, apparently one of the four sentinel (primary) nodes they removed had a micrometastasis. That means that they found a 1.5 mm bit of cancer + cells in there. The question then became: Is that positive or negative? My medical oncologist wants to treat me fairly aggressively to be sure and get every microscopic cell that could be traveling around in my body. I like that idea. I have 60 years ahead of me and do not want to worry about getting metastasized breast cancer in my bones 10 years from now! We came up with a plan to start the chemo next week. She is going to treat me with the most effective (read: hard-core) drugs for 4 rounds. We will then proceed with surgery (don't know what kind yet). If the surgery shows that the tumors have melted (as they expect them to!), then we can stop. If there are still cells present, we will continue with another 4 rounds of therapy after I am healed from the surgery.

I got my hair cut short on Saturday. It is really cute. My hairdresser is totally awesome! Not only do I look sassy and stylish, but she spent 1.5 hours on my hair and then refused to let me pay her! She wanted to do it for me. Too cool. When the time comes, I am supposed to call her and let her cut it super short to ease my transition to hairlessness. I also ordered a wig from www.wiggoddess.com. The owner, Clare, is awesome. She spent an hour with me over the phone going over styles and trying to find a color to match the pictures and hair samples I had sent. Why did I order a wig over the phone? Well, long story short, I was traumatized by the owner of Flair Wig Shop on Denbigh Blvd. She was rude and had all the compassion of a turnip. She chastized me for not being able to "just pick out a wig and choose your color". I have warned as many nurses and cancer patients as possible not to go to or recommend her store.

The kids are doing fine. When I asked Mary what she would think if my cancer medicine made me "ball headed", she said,"Well, I don't think that would be a very good plan". I said, "Well, what if it did happen?" She said, "Well, I just don't think that's a good idea". My plan is to have a head shaving extravaganza and let the kids shave our heads (Chris is going to shave his head in solidarity!) and draw pictures on them with markers. Maybe that will prevent them from crapping their pants when their mom walks in looking like a Star Trek alien. They will surely think it's fun to de-hair their mom!

Crap! Now I have to face reality.

OK, I guess it's for real now. First of all, I was nervous to go under the knife even though I've done it before and it was always easier than expected. Second, I was still resisting the idea that I actually needed any of this (read: I don't really have cancer!) and having a catheter placed under my skin for future chemotherapy infusions made things a little too real! As I was kissing the kids goodbye and loading them off to yet another generous friend, Alex gave me a tight hug and said, "Be brave, Mama". So I was . . . as much as I could be anyway. The terriblest part was the Sentinel Node Test BEFORE the surgery. This is where they inject this terrible, stinging dye into four spots around your areola to determine which lymph node your ducts drain to. The first injection, as they warned me, felt like a giant wasp sting that got stuck in there. Just as I was about ready to swat it away, the doctor said, "One down, three to go!". I had to dig into the technicians hand to keep from screaming. She was very brave, too! It hurt like crazy! Luckily I was slightly doped up with Vicodan, but not enough! I keep looking for the liquor or wine in these places and for some reason they just don't have any!

I went straight up to the surgery area after they took the pictures and marked my armpits with markers. The Sentara Careplex Hospital is extremely efficient. I have been so impressed with the clinics and the hospital. As a nurse, I have been in a few hospitals and this one is really great. The layout is really efficient, the nurses were very attentive and on-the-ball and the facility itself was very sleek and clean. Aside from blowing my vein on the first try at an IV, the pre-op was standard: change into stupid gown, giant boxer shorts (so I won't be neckid :) and dumb looking silver hat. Chris wanted to take a picture, but I reminded him that "paybacks are hell". He refrained. Finally, the Nurse Anesthetist came in and gave me some totally awesome meds, dude. I felt GREAT after that. Not nervous. Not scared. Whatever, man! I couldn't believe they wanted ME to transfer myself to the bed in the OR, but after that all I remember is them putting an oxygen mask on me. Then I woke up in another room with a different oxygen mask on and a really nice nurse named Barbara. She gave me more pain meds. Nice nurse! I looked at the port . . . not too bad. There is a 1.5 inch incision near my armpit and then a little hard bump about 2 inches away from it close to my chest, but under my skin and barely noticeable. Not so bad. The other incision is under my right arm. It's about 3 inches long. He removed 4 lymph nodes and said they looked totally normally, but we have to wait for the pathology report. That will take about 2 days.

Everyone has been taking really great care of me. Chris follows me around like a puppy dog (except when I'm sleeping - which I did all day after I got home!). He is really awesome! My friend took care of Mary all day yesterday and got the big kids on and off of the bus. Sounds easy, but is very hard because all of mine in combination with all of hers is pretty chaotic! Another friend brought us a fabulous dinner AND banana bread for breakfast! Yummy!!!!

My next doctor's appointment is April 7th. It will be a consult with medical oncologist aka the chemotherapy doctor. She will discuss the results of the lymph node biopsy and my course of care. I will also get instructions about the chemotherapy. The plan is to begin the therapy the week after Spring Break which should be April 15th. My mom will be here by then.

Testing! Testing! Testing!

For someone who rarely goes to the doctor, being tested and poked and prodded on a regular basis is enough to drive me cuckoo. Add to that the one-after-the-other doctor's appointments and the stress of worrying about results and procedures and I might pull my hair out!! :)

The results for the MRI showed no other tumors either in the same breast or the other breast or the lymph nodes. Of course that doesn't mean that there still aren't microscopic cancer cells floating around, but their aren't any TUMORS. Monday, March 31st, I will be undergoing a "sentinel node mapping" in which they will find the main lymph nodes that my breast drains to and will remove it to test it for cancer. If it is negative, that is very good and I will need less chemotherapy and less surgery and possibly no radiation. If it is positive, they will be much more agressive. More chemo, more surgery and more radiation. Let's hope for the negative! During this node removal procedure, I will be under general anesthesia and a port-a-cath will be placed in my chest under the skin to allow for easier chemotherapy administration and easier blood draws. I know it is the best thing, but it sounds yucky.

We also had some genetic testing done yesterday. They say I have a 6.9% risk of having a positive BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes. This means that the cancer could have been genetic thing passed from my father's side of the family. I know that my paternal grandmother had some sort of breast surgery (looked like a mastectomy), but my dad did not know exactly what her problem was. He said that she had some lumps and the doctor just removed everything, but he didn't think she had cancer. Since there aren't any other women on that side of the family to look to and I am so young, they want to check just to be sure. We think TRicare will cover it, but if not it is pretty expensive. We feel like it will be worth it to know for my sake and the kids in the future. Hope for the negative!

I plan to spend the weekend having fun and trying to keep my mind off of Monday. I have many friends stepping up to babysit and make meals and get my kids off of the bus when I'm held up at the doctor for 3 hours! What wonderful friends I have!

Cranial Prosthesis

That just cracks me up! Believe it or not, most insurance companies will cover a wig for patients receiving chemotherapy. However, they have done their best to make it an unpleasant/funny experience, depending on how you look at it. First, you have to get a prescription for it from your oncologist. It is actually written on the little slip of paper just like a medication prescription. Except that it says: CRANIAL PROSTHESIS. Now, I don't care who you are, that's just funny. So, I can now take that to a wig shop and file the receipt with Tricare to get 80% paid by them. Pretty good. I haven't decided what kind to get yet, but Alex has advised me to get red and not resort to blonde or brown. I guess he just wants me to look like Mama and not some other random lady. I may not even wear it much, but I want it just in case I NEED it for some reason. My friend, Katie, is going to throw me a hat party. That should be fun.

TESTING:

Well, I had the MRI done on Thursday. Chris went with me. He firmly believed that if he swaggered in there in his flight suit that they would let him go back and be with me. Not! The technicians were all very nice. It wasn't as bad as most MRI's. I had to lay on my stomach on a triangular shaped incline pillow with my boobs down in a hole and my forehead (and nose!) on a little head rest like when you get a massage. They shoved squishy earplugs in my ears because it was extremely loud. They gave me an IV for the dye (it took them two sticks - OUCH!). It took about 30-40 minutes. I won't get the results for a couple of days. I also got my chest x-ray, blood work and EKG for my procedure on the 31st.

I really have to adjust to this whole being "sick" thing. I have always gone to the doctor and pridefully filled out those medical history forms with the fire-walled NO's as there is no history of disease or illness in my family. I am the picture of health. I don't drink or smoke or weigh too much or do drugs. Now, all of a sudden I have to go to the doctor constantly and am thrown in waiting rooms full of SICK people who know the office staff by name. What the heck happened?! I don't like being a patient! I'm not patient enough to be a patient!

Neoadjuvant Chemotherapy?

OK, here's the latest scoop. We met with the medical oncologist today, Dr. Harden. She was very nice and assured us that this is very cureable. She did not give us a definitive stage or grade since there are still more tests to be done, but for now she's giving it a Stage II. The fact that there are 2 positive tumors and I am so young upgraded me from Stage I to II. She wants to treat me aggressively due to my age (greater risk of recurrence) and the multi-focal tumors. This means that she wants to give me chemotherapy as opposed to just hormone blocking therapy. She also wants to give me the chemotherapy first (before surgery), called neoadjuvant chemotherapy. There are supposedly many benefits to this which include getting rid of any cancer cells that have traveled outside of the breast right away and we can assess the effectiveness of the chemotherapy on the tumor as it shrinks and/or is removed and tested. If the lymph nodes are clear, the therapy will be every 2 to 3 weeks for 4 rounds (that equate to 2-3 months). If there are positive lymph nodes, she will go with 8 rounds (4-6 months). This chemotherapy is usually given once every 3 weeks via IV. It takes 3 hours to infuse and is done in the clinic. If she decides to do it every 2 weeks, called dose dense therapy, it will be the same dosage and side effects only there will not be that last week of feeling almost normal. This will leave me more tired, but with the anit-nausea meds and white cell boosting shot, it is usually tolerable. It will cut the total therapy time considerably and research is being done to confirm that it may be killing off more cancer cells in that 3rd week as they are trying to recover from the previous dose. THE FESTIVITIES BEGIN IN MID-APRIL.

I will lose my hair. This is the longest it has been since I was a kid and I love it. I have a great hairdresser ( you ladies know how hard that is to find!) and she keeps it looking nice without too much effort on my part. I guess it's time to get over it and have fun with a short, sassy haircut. I have an appointment on Monday to get it cut fairly short. I think it will actually be kind of fun to have short hair again, if only it were by choice. I don't think the kids will like it very much. They seem more attached to my hair than I am. Kids are funny, they don't want mom to change too much. When I was 5, my dad shaved his mustache off and I cried my eyes out and told him to "shave it right back on"! I was angry and wouldn't speak to him the rest of the night and told him he wasn't my daddy. I'm hoping if I transition from long to fairly short to very short to shaved it will be less traumatic to them AND ME than to go from long and thick to bald. We shall see.

My mom is planning to come for the first 2 rounds of chemotherapy. Chris's mom and dad are on call and eager to come help when we tell them to. It sure is nice to have back-up fairly close by. Being in the military, we've never had the luxury of living down the street from family like many of our neighbors and friends, but this is the best place we could have been for this to happen since we are relatively close (not Korea!). We also have many friends helping!

One thing that is extremely hard is telling people. It is hard to keep your own cool and be strong when the person across from you breaks down and starts hugging you like they'll never see you again. It's hard to be asked your prognosis, too. I don't know why. I guess it's just hard to talk about what your chances of living are. Anyway, who's to say any one of us has a better chance of living through tomorrow. Depending on what crazy drivers you encounter, you may have a worse prognosis than me. It's hard to break the news because I don't want people to start bawling and saying, "Oh my God. Why did it have to happen to you?" as if I'm about to die, WHICH I AM NOT! What I think I'd like is for people to say, "Oh crap! Cancer sucks! Well, you be strong and kick cancer's butt!"

What?!

OK, first let me warn you all that I am new to this blogging thing, so don't expect an enthralling reading adventure. Second, I am using this as a sort of journal, so there may be some rambling.

This wild and crazy week of crappiness began last Tuesday, March 4, 2008. There I was, playing Barbies with Mary, when the phone rang (interrupting my fairy's speech on how to be a good princess). It was Donna, the nurse at the oncology clinic. Of course, I was surprised to hear her voice, as I had an appointment with her the following day. I was expecting to go over the results of the tests from the previous week: mammogram, ultrasound, gamma test AND core needle biopsy (the mammogram and ultrasound were "suspicious"). Well, my stomach hit the floor when she told me there was CANCER in the samples. What? Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't mix me up with some older lady with a family history? "No, can you come in today to talk?" "Uh, yeah". I walked around in a daze, crying and trying to keep my stomach from turning inside out as I played Barbies and made phone calls to Chris and a friend to babysit.

It's been a long, crappy week. Stress. Fear. Sleeplessness. Confusion. I am too young! I don't have a family history! My last doctor said it was a cyst . . . LAST YEAR! I am healthier than I've ever been! How and what do I tell the kids? Am I going to die? I have to get my scrapbooks up to date!

I feel better this week. I've talked to so many nice people and received so many words of comfort and hope. I've even made some new friends through this. Although I've never met her, Mary Beth, from Beyond Boobs has been a true lifeline. Beyond Boobs is a local support group for ladies under age 40 going through breast cancer. Since many of the issues facing younger ladies differ from those of the older ladies that frequent most support groups, this is a true blessing.

All of the nurses and doctors I've been have seen have very positive and thoughtful. I am very confident in their ability to help me through this healing process.

For now, all I know is that I have Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma, this means it originated in the duct, but the cancer has begun to spread out of the ductal cells. The cells are well-defined which means they are slower growing. The pathology report shows that they estrogen receptor + and progesterone receptor +. This is good because it means they are very responsive to chemotherapy. I am scheduled for a breast MRI on March 20th which should show exactly where the cancer is and help us determine the best course of treatment. On March 31st, I am scheduled to have a lymph node test and a port placed under the skin, allowing for blood draws and medication administration without repeated needle sticks. Sounds lovely!

For now, I am waiting. Waiting to find out where it is, what it's doing and how to get it OUT! I am trying to be patient and optimistic. I am praying a lot more than usual, which is a good thing. My friends have rallied around me and I feel loved :) I know everything will be fine. I pray that I can keep my heart and mind open through this journey. Should be an interesting ride . . .