Comfort Foods

Holy Cow! It is really hard to express the way I feel about all of the support I have received throughout this whole thing. First, my family rallied to my side with offers to come take care of me (and my family) through the chemo process. They are all chomping at the bit to come be with me and show their love. Even my baby sister, who at age 20 probably has much more fun and interesting things to do with her summer, immediately booked a reservation to come take care of us! My in-laws are dying to come down here, too! My mom has been here for almost 2 weeks and it has been fun to visit with her. My family ROCKS! But, being a military wife, sometimes I felt like I didn't have the friends I could have if I were nailed down somewhere. Not true! Friends and supporters are coming out of the woodwork to help us. One of my friends has been organizing meals (complete with spreadsheets and call rosters!). She has had such a response that we are booked for meals until the end of May! I have NEVER eaten so well. Really! I'm afraid I'm going to get fat on chemo. I have been eating very well and having lasagna and homemade cakes and cookies laying around makes it much easier! I would never usually eat nearly this much! What has been such a true blessing is to see how awesome people really are. I have received notes from ladies at church, a free glamorous haircut from my hairdresser, flowers on my doorstep, gifts to encourage me, meals!, e-mails, cards, and an awesome hat party! I don't think I'll ever want to leave these friends! I might make Chris stay here forever!

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Emerson

Well, I know everyone is dying to know how it was. CHEMOTHERAPY started yesterday. Aside from being scared out of my mind, it was actually OK. I'm sure the Xanax helped a little. The nurse was wonderful. She was very calm and reassuring and matter-of-fact about everything she did and every question I asked. When I got there, they just told me to pick a chair and get comfortable. It was a giant room with 3 sections of recliners lined up against the walls. There were about 10 recliners in my section with IV poles and a stiff side chair for a friend (or awesome, wonderful spouse). I chose one by the huge window that looked out onto the sidewalk and cars going by on their way somewhere important. They first drew my blood from the port, which was just a little pinch and way better than getting an IV. After they made sure I was good-to-go, they gave me steroids and anti-nausea medication through the IV. Then came the "jet fuel". The adriamycin is the hardcore stuff and is bright, flaming red. It even makes your pee red! It takes only about 15 minutes to go in. I did NOT want to watch it go in as I was afraid I would imagine all sorts of side effects that I didn't really have. So, Chris and I hooked up our portable DVD player and he conceded to watching a chick flick, but only because I'm going through chemotherapy! It was 50 First Dates. We didn't get finished with it, but it was really cute. Maybe we'll finish it today. The second medication, Cytoxan, took an hour. We were there for a total of 3 hours. Not too bad. They had a little snack trolley with sandwiches and soda and chips run by a volunteer. All-in-all it wasn't as terrible as I had anticipated.

After we were done, I felt remarkably well. We went our for ice cream and then to walk around the mall. I didn't last too long before I did want to come home and lay down for a while. A little nausea hit me later that night, but nothing terrible. This morning (Day 2), I feel mostly fine except a little upset stomach. Rebecca brought me breakfast in bed (Raisin Bran Crunch cereal), too cute! So far, I haven't experienced or imagined any weird symptoms. I'm proud of myself for the latter. I have to go in today and get a shot to boost my white blood cell count. I also have an appointment for a second opinion with a different doctor. This was highly recommended, even though I REALLY like my doctor. Maybe, if nothing else, it will give me peace of mind.

THE HATS!

I have never been much of a hat person. But I have a lovely collection now! My friend, Katie, threw me a hat party last weekend. She invited everyone I knew! My college roommate, Heather, showed up! A new friend from my Beyond Boobs support group showed up! My awesome neighbors and old Air Force friends came in force. It was really great to have so many of my friends show their love for me! It was a great party with lots of yummy treats and wine. Katie thought of everything. She even made me wear a red feather boa! I have some GREAT friends!

I also visited "The Hat Trader". A lady in Williamsburg who survived breast cancer 11 years ago and for the past 9 years has been running a service in her home where she loans wigs and hats for the course of you treatment. She made an appointment with me and I showed up at her beautiful home with my mom and she led us to this gorgeous room with a vanity table and began to show us some wigs she had picked out for me. I ended up finding 3 wigs that I liked! Then, she had me look at her hats and pick out a few. I look better in hats that I imagined! It was very uplifting to go in there and find that I will look OK without hair and that it doesn't have to be a terrible, awful thing. The main thing I hate to lose is eyebrows and eyelashes. You can't hide that very well!

My mom is here taking care of us. She drove up from Alabama! All of my friends have again joined forces and are going to be bringing meals over every other night! What an awesome blessing!

Last week, we went to Friday morning mass (the kids were not happy about that). It was a whole different atmosphere that Sunday. There were only about 30 or 40 people and it was very interactive and friendly. Fr. Mike did the Annointing of the Sick on me and 3 others. It was very touching. As many little old ladies as possible muscled their way to us to lay their hands on us and pray for us. I DID feel better. I would like to make it a regular thing, but it is not a good time of day since I would have to take the holy terror (Mary) with me.

Sorry to ramble. It's been a while and a lot has happened. I hope you're not asleep already!

Is it positive or negative? Well, sort of . . .

The results for the lymph node testing came back this week. It seems that my cancer wants to be confusing. Although it is definately infiltrating carcinoma, it is slow-growing and hormone responsive which is good. Although it is slow-growing, I am young, which in this case is bad (more chance of recurrence). So . . . confusing! Do we freak out or not? Now, the lymph node results are positive, but only a little positive. Huh? Well, apparently one of the four sentinel (primary) nodes they removed had a micrometastasis. That means that they found a 1.5 mm bit of cancer + cells in there. The question then became: Is that positive or negative? My medical oncologist wants to treat me fairly aggressively to be sure and get every microscopic cell that could be traveling around in my body. I like that idea. I have 60 years ahead of me and do not want to worry about getting metastasized breast cancer in my bones 10 years from now! We came up with a plan to start the chemo next week. She is going to treat me with the most effective (read: hard-core) drugs for 4 rounds. We will then proceed with surgery (don't know what kind yet). If the surgery shows that the tumors have melted (as they expect them to!), then we can stop. If there are still cells present, we will continue with another 4 rounds of therapy after I am healed from the surgery.

I got my hair cut short on Saturday. It is really cute. My hairdresser is totally awesome! Not only do I look sassy and stylish, but she spent 1.5 hours on my hair and then refused to let me pay her! She wanted to do it for me. Too cool. When the time comes, I am supposed to call her and let her cut it super short to ease my transition to hairlessness. I also ordered a wig from www.wiggoddess.com. The owner, Clare, is awesome. She spent an hour with me over the phone going over styles and trying to find a color to match the pictures and hair samples I had sent. Why did I order a wig over the phone? Well, long story short, I was traumatized by the owner of Flair Wig Shop on Denbigh Blvd. She was rude and had all the compassion of a turnip. She chastized me for not being able to "just pick out a wig and choose your color". I have warned as many nurses and cancer patients as possible not to go to or recommend her store.

The kids are doing fine. When I asked Mary what she would think if my cancer medicine made me "ball headed", she said,"Well, I don't think that would be a very good plan". I said, "Well, what if it did happen?" She said, "Well, I just don't think that's a good idea". My plan is to have a head shaving extravaganza and let the kids shave our heads (Chris is going to shave his head in solidarity!) and draw pictures on them with markers. Maybe that will prevent them from crapping their pants when their mom walks in looking like a Star Trek alien. They will surely think it's fun to de-hair their mom!

Crap! Now I have to face reality.

OK, I guess it's for real now. First of all, I was nervous to go under the knife even though I've done it before and it was always easier than expected. Second, I was still resisting the idea that I actually needed any of this (read: I don't really have cancer!) and having a catheter placed under my skin for future chemotherapy infusions made things a little too real! As I was kissing the kids goodbye and loading them off to yet another generous friend, Alex gave me a tight hug and said, "Be brave, Mama". So I was . . . as much as I could be anyway. The terriblest part was the Sentinel Node Test BEFORE the surgery. This is where they inject this terrible, stinging dye into four spots around your areola to determine which lymph node your ducts drain to. The first injection, as they warned me, felt like a giant wasp sting that got stuck in there. Just as I was about ready to swat it away, the doctor said, "One down, three to go!". I had to dig into the technicians hand to keep from screaming. She was very brave, too! It hurt like crazy! Luckily I was slightly doped up with Vicodan, but not enough! I keep looking for the liquor or wine in these places and for some reason they just don't have any!

I went straight up to the surgery area after they took the pictures and marked my armpits with markers. The Sentara Careplex Hospital is extremely efficient. I have been so impressed with the clinics and the hospital. As a nurse, I have been in a few hospitals and this one is really great. The layout is really efficient, the nurses were very attentive and on-the-ball and the facility itself was very sleek and clean. Aside from blowing my vein on the first try at an IV, the pre-op was standard: change into stupid gown, giant boxer shorts (so I won't be neckid :) and dumb looking silver hat. Chris wanted to take a picture, but I reminded him that "paybacks are hell". He refrained. Finally, the Nurse Anesthetist came in and gave me some totally awesome meds, dude. I felt GREAT after that. Not nervous. Not scared. Whatever, man! I couldn't believe they wanted ME to transfer myself to the bed in the OR, but after that all I remember is them putting an oxygen mask on me. Then I woke up in another room with a different oxygen mask on and a really nice nurse named Barbara. She gave me more pain meds. Nice nurse! I looked at the port . . . not too bad. There is a 1.5 inch incision near my armpit and then a little hard bump about 2 inches away from it close to my chest, but under my skin and barely noticeable. Not so bad. The other incision is under my right arm. It's about 3 inches long. He removed 4 lymph nodes and said they looked totally normally, but we have to wait for the pathology report. That will take about 2 days.

Everyone has been taking really great care of me. Chris follows me around like a puppy dog (except when I'm sleeping - which I did all day after I got home!). He is really awesome! My friend took care of Mary all day yesterday and got the big kids on and off of the bus. Sounds easy, but is very hard because all of mine in combination with all of hers is pretty chaotic! Another friend brought us a fabulous dinner AND banana bread for breakfast! Yummy!!!!

My next doctor's appointment is April 7th. It will be a consult with medical oncologist aka the chemotherapy doctor. She will discuss the results of the lymph node biopsy and my course of care. I will also get instructions about the chemotherapy. The plan is to begin the therapy the week after Spring Break which should be April 15th. My mom will be here by then.